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« on: 23, May, 2010 - 08:49 » |
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Cheryl.Eyes.
-Ok, so i've litterally just signed up here after looking round for a while and I decided to jump in the deep end by posting a fic, I have posted this on a few other websites previously, but i'd love to know what you think .
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I slump forwards in the chair, carefully trying to avoid the gaze of those sat around me, letting my hair fall as a shield down my shoulders, blocking them from view. Out of sight out of mind.
If they’re not there, if I don’t have to see them, they‘ll fall silent, the voices running round my mind will go and I can sit, I can sit in silence, I can sit and forget the world I’ve created.
I tried blaming, I let everyone take the wrath, everyone close to me and I pushed them away. I know who did it this time though, I know who needs the blame.
I force my thoughts to accept the guilt, take it’s self back and see what it did wrong. Watch from above as the path gets created, as the path to my hell began.
I don’t have the right to cry, I don’t have the right to grieve. Who has the right to sit and wallow, loose themselves in self pity when they created the hell, when it was them that chose this life, when it was them who chose there life over another.
I know what they’ll be thinking, just another failed attempt, another let down. They’ll try not to let it show, a smile stuck across there faces that never once falters, never vanishes for a second. That’s not what gives them away, not what shows there true feelings, they’ve forgotten to cover that, the only things that show there real feelings, show me how disappointed they truly are. The windows to there soul that glaze over with tears as a hand runs its way up and down my back.
They wouldn’t understand if I said I wanted to be alone, I know they’d refuse and stay next to me, trying to stand strong and throwing every cliché they know into the air.
“It will get easier, just give it time.”
So I stay sat with them, blocking their dull comforts out of my ears and forcing my mind out of my head, out of this room, out of this life. Sending it off to somewhere where troubles never happen, to a place that never hurts, to a place where people live forever and no one grieves. My thoughts backtrack when I realise that place doesn’t exist and I resign myself to the sick reality that I have to live my days in.
The soft words they speak still ram against my ear, amplifying in the dull room. A room I shouldn’t be in, a room I shouldn’t have seen, not for another 7 months.
It takes all the courage I have left in me to lift my head, look them dead on and ask. Beg to be left alone. Just a few moment’s, I’ll be fine. The promises slip out of my mouth and pacify there worries, mute their thoughts, and they relent. Only I know how broken those promises will become, how shattered and crushed my words will turn.
A silent thank you hangs in the air as they leave the room, leaving me sat in the chair, leaving the white walls to close in and engulf me, leaving me to do what I should have done a long time ago.
I head over to the bathroom, sobs wracking my body but no tears falling, It’s too late for that now. I watch myself in the mirror as a trembling arm reaches towards the box and the content slides down my throat. A war rampaging in my own mind as I shout at myself, forcing my mind to know it’s what has to be done, it’s the only way.
My vision fogs as my eyes slide shut and my mind traces it’s way back to the paper sat upon the chair.
“I need to be with my baby.”
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