1) "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
     Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

yeah, they are funny. Thanks! I'm not quite in the mood.